Whether you’re a new parent or parenting a teenager (and everything in between), your childhood and how you were parented might be top of mind. It might feel strange to be thinking about your childhood now that you’re an adult and its ancient history. It’s normal to take stock in the relationships with your caregivers - they formed the person you are today. In thinking about these relationships, uncomfortable feelings may emerge. You might feel like you didn’t get enough love, or your feelings weren’t acknowledged. There could be significant trauma in your childhood that you haven’t thought about in years. Your child(ren)’s behavior might be triggering bigger feelings in you that seem out of proportion.
3 tips for dealing with these feelings:
1. Journal
Dedicate some time to get your feelings out. Writing can be very therapeutic, and you may discover some things about yourself. If you feel like you don’t have the time or patience to sit down and write, consider dictating your feelings into a note that you can save on your phone.
2. Compassion
All children deserve unconditional love. If you didn’t feel that love as a child, try to have compassion for your inner child. Here is an exercise that might help you connect with your inner child: Find 5 min of quiet without distractions. Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and focus on your breath. Picture yourself as a young child and send that child your love. If you have a picture of yourself as a child, keep it somewhere you see daily. Every time you pass the picture, send that innocent child your love.
3. Choose the parent you want to be
You don’t have to parent the same way your parents did! You are your own person and do not have to repeat your childhood for your children. You are in control of your actions. If you have a partner or co-parent, dedicate some time to discuss the type of parents you want to be. Aim high, set your intentions, and know it will be a work in progress. Have compassion for each other on this journey. You both have your own pasts that play a role in the parents you are today.
Connecting with your inner child may shed light on why you feel the way you do both towards yourself and your children. If you are interested in connecting with your inner child, the book, “Recovery of Your Inner Child”, by Lucia Capacchione has wonderful step by step exercises.
Depending on the trauma that you endured or witnessed in childhood, this work could trigger feelings that might be best addressed with a skilled therapist. At Tustin Counseling, we are here to help you process childhood trauma. You don’t need to go through this alone.